I have been part of an intricate disappearing act for quite a few months now…  hiding away at my place of work and my home…  as if some fence was built around my being.  Even my presence on the internet has decreased dramatically.  To my dear friends, my apologies for living under a rock.  But during these months, I have realized something wonderful.  I love my family…  to a great extent.  And furthermore, all those doubts I’ve had when feeling alone, they have quieted.  It is nice feeling this calm…  this zen.  Happy thoughts.  :)

I know this post is not very content rich, but I just wanted to update this void of a blog.  Until next time.  Ciao.

High school was an interesting segment of my life. I wouldn’t say I was super involved with everything, but I have a lot of special memories. One in particular was a 5-mile run required by my gym class. I remember getting to my high school at 6 in the AM to run. I remember breathing in the morning air and looking at the track like it was ready to swallow me whole. I threw my backpack on the side and did my stretches. If you don’t know me, I am by no means fit. My gym teacher had a time set. I don’t remember what it was, but it was something I was definitely worried about. I remember trying to shake off all the doubts running through my mind. The gym teacher looked at me with confidence. She smiled and asked me if I was ready. I nodded and she held up her stopwatch. Go. I went. Steady start. Remember: 5-miles. Remember: breathe. Remember: keep going. Past this point, I cannot tell you the events of my run. I don’t remember when my legs tensed up or when they went kind of numb. I just remember that for once, my mind was set. I was going to pass this run. I still remember that run to this day. Not just because it was a 5-mile run, but because I feel like it was one of the rare times I have accomplished something. Sure, it was motivated by a passing gym grade, but regardless… I am terrible at completing things. I make up some goal and I rarely follow through.

This leads me to my topic of the day: expectations. They come from parents, teachers, even friends, and most obviously, from ourselves. They can be a source of pressure or a source of motivation. Recently, I have reflected on my own expectation of life. I want to remain ambitious in everything I do, but all too often, I have gone with the flow and it is somewhat disheartening. When your lab teacher has higher expectations of you than you do for yourself, it is just sad. I only have myself to blame seeing as how I am typing this to sort things out in my brain as opposed to completing another assignment or studying, but I just wanted to let this out on “paper.” Where is my life headed? I know I want to finish my Pharm D program, but where do I want to go next? What are my expectations for my life? Just something better than what I have now? Or should I set the bar higher?

Shake it off.
Ready?
Go.

I saw the movie “Paperheart” a while ago, but today, it just popped into my mind again.

Demetri: You’ve never been in love?
Charlyne: No.
Demetri: And it’s… This is gonna come out, probably, wrong, but is it because you’re not lovable?
Charlyne: You think I’m not lovable, Demetri?
Demetri: No, I’m asking, do you feel not lovable? Do you feel not valuable? ‘Cause I think you’re potentially valuable.

Ho hum. I shall sit and ponder.

The most intriguing and sometimes annoying question is “Why?” Children often ask their parents why this and why that and often times, they are left asking even more questions. Here is my question, “Why on earth do I need to know this?” I always prefer to be over-educated over being under-educated, but sometimes, it gets ridiculous. I do actually think that certain unusually hard courses are just designed to weed out the students who are unfit, but this nonsense shows up on my GPA. I am just irritated that my average has dropped tremendously since my first two years at university and I might actually go back after this whole ordeal. I do not blame an administrator who looks at my transcript and says, “Whoa, this girl has let her brain go…” I am not blaming the education system at this point because goodness knows, there are always smarter people than me and how else are we to tell if it were not for these ridiculous courses, but I am scared for my future if I am to carry this around and attempt to go into more advanced education. I guess I’ll deal with it when the time comes, but that doesn’t mean it won’t haunt me. I should be better than this. It’s midterm week and I need to pull out the big guns. Pew pew.

Amidst the city’s madness, I caught a glimpse of your soul-
not a bit, not a piece, but it as a whole.
As the wind shifted and the moment had past,
I was left speechless; quite a spell had been cast.
I haven’t dreamed much since yesteryear
and the message from destiny seemed straightforward and clear.
I hoped to goodness that you’d be “the one”
and in a few years, help me in bearing a son.
I want to believe that the shining light was you
but passing car headlights are more likely true.

Okay, before you read way too much into this, this is not about anyone. This is fictional. I made it up. Do not poke and prod about my nonexistent personal life. Furthermore, I probably don’t want kids in a few years. It just seemed to fit the rhyme scheme. Anyway, I just feel like that a lot of people are in a rush to find someone special and they lose sight of reality. Although this is written in a female perspective, it applies to males as well. Sometimes, we need to take a look around. The halo you see on your crush may just be the sun setting in the distance. Also, I’m just making a general observation. I think everyone is entitled to their own opinion when it comes to relationships. Not to mention the fact that I am actually a bit of a romantic. I don’t want it to be the head lights or the sunset, but that doesn’t change the fact that it very well might be either one. Oh Reality, thou art a heartless bitch.

I am officially declaring my dislike for making emulsions. Today, in lab, we spent 30+ minutes triturating a mixture that basically gave up on us and started breaking. Before my very eyes, a beautiful (but somewhat aromatically unappealing) gum mixture that was a result of constant grinding became a gross and chunky goo. I am by no means a perfectionist, but goodness, I’d like a decent product at the end of the day. I have a feeling the teaching assistants in my class think I am incompetent. Also, I’d like to note that it’s been about 3.5 hours since my lab ended and I am still irritated at myself for allowing my product to go, for lack of a better term, kaplooey.

This song/remix/thingermabob made me smile.  Up was a fantastic film.

It has begun.  Spring semester of 2010.  Now, I was prepared to work hard this term.  I knew I would no longer be able to slack off as much as I used to.  As a future health professional, it would be useful to know about health, science, and related topics, but are you serious?  It has been 2 days since I stepped foot on campus and I have killed at least 1 baby tree with all the work I have printed out.  I am very sorry to said baby tree, but I cannot spend 5 hours reading from my computer screen.  I have spent the last couple of hours staring at 1 chapter of pathology and my brain seems to have stopped processing the information on the page.  Aiyah.

The weather is below zero and I walked around Manhattan for a good couple of hours today…  Although my ears were ready to fall off and my teeth would continue to chatter every other block, I had that warm fuzzy feeling inside of me.  Things I love: good friends, good food, good deals, and musicals.  Today was my first ever visit to Strand Bookstore.  As a New Yorker, I’ve known about this place for a long time, yet I’ve never gone to it.  $1 books outside.  Ridiculous and amazing.  I found one relating to the medical field and murder accusations.  It’s an uncorrected proof.  Goodness gracious, I’m getting a beyond new book for less than a hot dog in the city (most in Manhattan run for about $2).  Also, my friends and I hit up Uniqlo.  As a side note, I have a love/hate relationship with the hipster scene.  I get the appeal of hoodies, plaid shirts, tight jeans, and since 2009, bright colors, but really, some of these kids are overdosing on the trend.  A good amount of Uniqlo looks like hipster paradise and part of it is just reasonably priced basics, which is awesome.  I got 2 long sleeved T-shirts.  Not even on sale, but $10.50 each.  Honestly, that’s the price you get for a T-shirt at GAP on sale.  Speaking of good deals, my friend introduced me to Mamoun’s Falafel today.  It’s a little place in St. Marks.  Wondrous falafel for $2.50…  Juice for $1.  I was stuffed for $3.50 and I didn’t have to resort to $1 pizza at 2 Bros. Pizza (although it is not bad at all).  Also, I found the waffle truck I’ve wanted to go to.  (:  It’s called “wafel and dinges.”  The dude who cooks is super cool.  He will even make a new waffle if yours didn’t turn out so well.  Oh my goodness, the liege waffle with nutella and powdered sugar was a dream.  It was approximately 6pm at this point, the cold wind had already conquered my un-gloved hands, yet I was ecstatic.  Crisp and chewy…  I have never had a better waffle.  This is coming from a girl who was already stuffed with a falafel and juice.  I thought I wouldn’t be able to eat the whole thing, but I found myself still wanting more.  Although I wouldn’t suggest getting two waffles just because the lingering feeling of waffle craving is rather beautiful in itself.  Then, I headed over to meet with my Broadway buddy to see “Next to Normal.”   I adore this musical-  for the exceptions of a few of the transitional parts because the out-of-nowhere rock just throws me off.  Also, I prefer the voice of the mother in the original cast as opposed to the woman who had performed.  Anyway, the musical is about a family which has a mother whom is affected with manic bipolar disorder.  I don’t want to give too much away so I will leave it at that.  I feel like a lot of people can relate to this musical.  We are all, at one point in our lives, lost and searching for hope…  wanting someone to catch us while we’re falling.  It’s interesting to see people sing and dance it out.    I had a wonderful day.

Strand Bookstore
828 Broadway
New York, NY 10003

Uniqlo
546 Broadway
(between Spring St & Prince St)
New York, NY 10012

Mamoun’s Falafel
119 MacDougal St
New York, NY 10012

wafels and dinges (a.k.a. the waffle truck)
At various locations,
please check site for information.

Next to Normal
Booth Theatre
222 West 45th Street (Between Broadway and 8th Avenue)
New York NY 10036

Well, well, this is the first post of 2010.  I really don’t know what to think of what may come to be this year.  I was locked in my own bathroom in the last hour of New Year’s Day.  I spent New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day, and the day after New Year’s at work.  Also, I currently have a stomach ache…  I wonder what life has in store for me this year…  Oh well, these couple of days can’t bring me down.  It’s a new year.  Bring it.  Bring the challenges, the successes, the joys, the sadness, and the madness.  Veni, vidi, vici and all that jazz.